The effects of mental illness stretch farther than the afflicted and can often affect our loved ones. Whether it’s a parent, a friend, or a partner, most of us have had someone who knows what is going on through our illness and been involved in some way shape, or form. I feel very strongly that not only is it my responsibility to be open and honest about how I am doing, but also, to bring light to the effects of my mental illness on those around me.
Today’s episode was written mostly by someone very dear to me. My fiancé and I have been together since the summer of 2018 - two months before my traumatic event. He has been with me through my highest highs and my lowest lows, often the quiet supporter in the background of my story, not often getting the thanks that he deserves for standing by me through all of this. So today, I thought it may be helpful to share some of his insights and experiences regarding my mental illness and how it’s affected him and our relationship.
So, I dedicate this episode to him and those like him; our quiet supporters through the storms.
What’s one word you would use to describe the last two years with my illness?
One word?! *Laughs* Distress.
What do you remember about me telling you what had happened to me?
I honestly don’t remember much. I guess I must have been in pretty bad distress to forget. That was pretty heavy. I do remember that I was worried and I didn’t know what was going to happen with our relationship.
When did you realize I wasn’t okay?
The day you called me when you were stuck inside the equipment room at work and you were crying, like really crying. I wasn’t really sure what was going on to be honest, I thought it was just a bad day.
I realized it was more than just a bad day when you told me that this had been going on since your [traumatic event]. I didn’t really know how bad things were until you told me.
What do you remember about the first time I let you see me have a panic attack?
The first one I remember was actually over the phone. I didn’t see the panic attack, but I remember you calling me on the phone distressed and sad. You were in bed and you were crying and really struggling and you didn’t want to see anyone. That was the day I came by after work and brought you flowers to try to make you feel better.
How has my illness affected our relationship?
It’s completely changed you; you’re not the person you were when we got together, for sure. Your perspective on your goals has changed. Like, your career aspirations. I worry that you are having trouble committing to things and like you can be a bit wishy washy.
It’s caused a massive delay in our goals as a couple. We wanted to have a new house, kids, you going back to school… but it kind of derailed all of that for now. It even pushed back us getting engaged because I wanted to make sure you were in a good place.
It has altered the way I communicate with you. Sometimes, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells because I’m worried about triggering you or setting you off or reversing any progression you’ve made. I feel that our communication definitely suffered in some ways. In others though, it also made it better because we had to learn how to communicate differently to one another.
I wish you would include me more in what you’re going through. Just like, helping me understand what you’re going through and communicating how you feel. Like you said though, it’s like you have a wall up because you’re struggling to understand how you’re feeling, so that’s hard enough without having to communicate it to someone else.
In the end though, our relationship is like a diamond: you have to put pressure on it to make it into something precious.
What is the biggest change you’ve seen in me?
Man, there have been so many things. Your emotional awareness - you’re a lot better at being introspective. You also have a really good sound knowledge of other people’s emotional states and yours as well. Like, you remind me of how things that I say may be perceived by other people, which I don’t think you would have done before.
Your struggle with your faith is a big one. You struggled just to trust in God most days. It’s still up and down. I’d say it’s hard for me to see, but honestly I’ve never been through something terrible like this so I can imagine that it’s hard to believe every day when you feel like you’ve done everything right and then this happens.
The biggest change has been to your coping strategies. Like, before, there would be weeks on end where you would just be KO’d, but now sometimes you get up and you aren’t doing so well and then you manage to pull yourself out of it. I don’t know all of your coping strategies, but whatever you do, it works really well.
How has my illness affected your relationship with God and your faith?
It’s made me rely more on God, that’s for sure. Well, I don’t know what’s going to happen with you - this could be forever, it could be short term - but I have to trust that God has our best interests at heart and that the signs He gave me when we first started dating are still true.
Why do you stay with me?
Because I love you and it’s in God’s plan. Realistically, it’s because God told me that you’re the one.
Every day I wake up and I choose to be with you and love you despite anything else that’s going on.
If you could tell me anything, what would it be?
I love you and you’re the greatest and the most beautiful and the silliest.
Do you have any advice to give to others who are in any kind of relationship with someone with mental illness?
Stay positive.
Never say “I understand”. Unless you’ve gone through it, you never will. You taught me that.
Be attentive to signs of emotional change or demeanour. Your partner can’t always ask for help, sometimes you have to recognize the signs.
You have to keep taking care of yourself. You’re no good to them if you aren’t okay yourself. Seek therapy/counsel if it’s available to you.
Don’t be afraid of change in your partner. Sometimes new attributes and qualities bring better things to the relationship.
Like, before you weren’t a very emotionally strong person, but now you’re much more emotionally strong and self aware. You’re a very sensitive person, but you’re stronger now. You’re more self reflective and this illness has made you a much stronger person. Like, before if someone called you a name, you would think of a million ways to try to fix it or change their mind, whereas now, you know who you are and you just kind of say “that’s not me”.
A huge thank you to all of you who took the time to read this interview. I hope it helped to give some perspective and encourages you in your journey.
Of course, thank you so much to my future husband. I could not have gotten to this point without his prayers, support and encouragement and I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him.
As always, I will have a link to mental health resources and supports below. I hope you have a wonderful weekend and that you are able to find some comfort in knowing that no matter what side of this thing you are on, you aren’t alone.
Sincerely,
Mikeera
Canadian Mental Health Resources can be found here.
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