So it’s been a little while since I last wrote to you.
Truth be told, I feel like I don’t have a valid reason, but also, that I have 100 little reasons that have kept me from putting pen to paper.
I’ve been going through, what I call, a “low mood”.
You see, I classify my moods in ranges, it helps me connect better with how I’m actually doing, or to quantify how I feel when my therapist asks me how I’m doing or how I’ve been.
There’s the “high mood”, when I’m feeling great and everything is wonderful - like when I started my new job.
Then there’s the “medium mood”, where things are okay, but nothing extraordinary - more of how I feel on an average daily basis.
Then there’s my “neutral mood”, where I don’t feel too strongly either way, I’m kind of just here going through my day to day.
The “low mood” is when I don’t feel so great, but I’m still able to function, and to the onlooker you may just think I’m a little tired or something.
The worst of them all is when I’m in a “black mood”, that’s when I’m not getting out of bed, not taking care of myself, simply trying to continue existing.
I often describe where I am now - the “low mood” - as the calm before the storm. It’s in this stage that I really push to keep a routine and maintain a proper sleep schedule. I know how easy it is for me to slip from “low mood” to “black mood” with very little warning, so I do everything I can to move from “low mood” to “neutral mood”.
In the early months of my depression, changing my moods or states of being came with a huge sense of urgency.
I would put so much pressure on myself to feel better or to act in a way so that no one would know that I was struggling.
Oftentimes though, the anxiety that I caused myself through this just set me back even farther until I was so deeply engulfed by my depression that I didn’t know how to pull myself out of it.
Now, I try to look at my mood more like being on the ocean in an inflatable pool float. Sometimes the water is as smooth as glass - when my mood is high and there’s nothing rocking me. I feel so at peace during those times, like I can do anything. I may even get out of my pool float and swim around a bit in the calm waters - this usually looks like me starting a new endeavour. But as my mood begins a downwards spiral, the water becomes less calm, more unpredictable, until I find myself clinging to that pool float as I struggle to keep my head above water, salt water burning my my eyes, nose and mouth as I struggle to breathe and know which way is up.
Right now though, thankfully, the water is rocking me and moving me, a few waves even crash over my head and I have moments where I feel like I’m drowning, but the storm is still far away enough for me to sit fairly comfortably in my pool float. I can see the storm in the distance, but I’m slowly paddling my way to calmer waters and away from the tumult I can see on the horizon.
Sometimes I find myself in the eye of the storm: that false calm that comes as one bout of depression finishes, but I feel as though there is still something worse coming. I try to make the best of those days - being as productive as I can, to prepare for the inevitable days or weeks to come where I know that doing the bare minimum is all that I can truthfully expect of myself.
I sat down today to write, not knowing what to write about. I went over the list of topics that I wanted to discuss.
But ultimately, I felt that sharing exactly where I am now would be the best way to honour what I’m going through.
Right now, everything feels more draining than it should.
I drove my fiancé to an appointment earlier today and what would normally have been just a moment in my day has me feeling as though I need to go take a nap. I find myself starting to withdraw socially, spending more time observing and less actively engaging with people. I’m still reading my Bible on a daily basis, which is honestly helping to keep me sane. God has been sending me exactly the wisdom that I need to get me through the day. I’m still going for regular walks with my mom and my dog. They are honestly a huge part of keeping me moving forward and away from a “black mood”, if anyone tells you to “just go for a walk”, do it. It has a huge impact on mental health. But, just because I’m not feeling the best, doesn’t mean that I can’t still keep functioning.
I’ve started making myself to-do lists for my days off, which helps a lot. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and purpose to tick off each task as the day goes on. And working a regular schedule has been a huge factor in improving how I’m doing.
And of course, there’s Poncho.
For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of meeting my dog, I truly believe that he is an angel sent from Heaven to provide comfort for me and show me that everything is going to be okay. Even as I write this, he’s lying on the floor beside me with his head pressed against my foot, almost like he’s saying “it’s okay mom, we’ll get through this together”.
All of that to say, I know that there’s hope for me still. Whether my mood improves or continues to deteriorate, I will always get better. I will not let this illness get the best of me, my life is too valuable for that. I know that I have been put on this planet for a purpose, and I refuse to stop engaging with people and sharing my story as long as I have breath in my lungs. It may be a bit harder, it may take me longer, but God has called me to do this and so with His guidance, I will see it through.
I hope that wherever you find yourself on the spectrum of moods today, that you can find one thing that you are thankful for. Life can be so beautiful if you open your eyes to the little things around you. Look to those things, all of the created things, to help fill your heart with joy today. And I you’re like me, give thanks to the Creator for giving them to you to remind you of His love for you.
Have a wonderful rest of your day,
Sincerely,
Mikeera
Mental Health Support Resources can be found here.
A really nice YouTube playlist to help you feel calm in your storm can be found here.
