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Episode 007: Stretch Marks Come out in the Wash, Right?

I shared recently that I got a new pair of rollerblades this season. Usually, that would soon be followed by a post about how I just broke a personal speed record and how excited I am, but this year is going to be different.

Why?

Because my body is heavier than it has ever been.

I could sit here and blame my medication, knowing full well that though it is a contributing factor, it isn’t the only one. I could blame the pandemic closing the gyms. I could even claim ignorance and say that I don’t know why I’ve gained so much weight, but that would be a lie.


I’ve the past few years, I’ve watched my body become heavier and heavier and watched myself lose more and more physical fitness and chose to do nothing about it.

Why?

Because deep down I wanted my body to physically match how I was feeling mentally and emotionally. I wanted those who knew me to not only hear me saying that something was wrong, but part of me felt that it what I was going through wasn’t truly valid unless you could physically see that something was wrong too.

Some background for you. I have always been fairly active. Whether it was through dance or rollerblading or playing way too much Just Dance on my Wii. So the combination of 1) being in the pandemic with the resulting lack of access to gyms and fitness centres, 2) having this depression that sucks all of my motivation and just makes me want to eat all the time and 3) the ever increasing anxiety about what my body looks like and how it performs has been almost crippling.

Then there’s the crushing weight of the expectations of others. I love my loved ones. They are fantastic and such a source of support to me, but sometimes, they are also my harshest critics. So I find myself fighting between being my authentic self and living my truth in this moment versus keeping them happy and meeting their expectations of me.

Frankly, it’s all just so exhausting.

This is the part where normally I would tie all of this ranting together with a pearl of wisdom. But I really feel like I don’t have any kumbaya moment right now. Life is complicated and messy and sometimes we don’t get to put a bow on it at the end of the day. Sometimes, we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other as we seek to live in God’s light and in our own truth.

I think the only glimmer of hope that I can provide right now is that I’m working to set better boundaries to protect my self esteem and body confidence. I’ve started working with a HAES Dietician who is really helping me on my continued journey to see that food is not the enemy, my body is not the enemy: how we view food and our bodies is the battle we must all face. I’ve been able to start rollerblading again because of the warmer weather, and even though my body hasn’t taken to it as quickly as it usually does, I’m determined to be able to fly on my blades again this summer. I’m doing what I feel I need to do to feel good in my skin.


Side bar: Over the past year, I have become a strong believer in Healthy at Every Size (HAES). I’ve done extensive work with a HAES intuitive eating coach and a phenomenal HAES dietician who have helped me learn to love and accept my body as it is, rather than feeling that I have to punish it. This post isn’t about telling you that you need to lose weight, it’s about me sharing about the link between my depression and my dissatisfaction with my current level of fitness. Cool? Cool.


And at the end of the day, all that really matter is what I think of myself, right?

I’ll link the info for the HAES coach that I used as well as some body confident accounts that I follow to help me remember that every body is beautiful.

Have a wonderful rest of your day, and thanks for reading!

Sincerely,

Mikeera

More Information:


Here is the HAES coach that I used! I absolutely loved Lauren, 10/10 would recommend for anyone who is looking to love themselves a bit more. Find her on Instagram here.


Check out Rebel Eaters Club here! This Podcast has me feeling seen and heard as I get to hear from someone who has very similar body and food insecurities as me and has made it through to the other side.

Check out I Weigh here! This beauty was started by the fabulous Jameela Jamil to help us focus on more than just the number on the scale. *Chef's kiss*

Click on the names of the following people to see some instagram accounts I regularly frequent for some extra positivity and inspiration:







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